I've jumped onto the Wordpress bandwagon, so I'll be continuing on with my blogging at pamology.wordpress.com. I've transferred my posts, and I don't have many new posts, so don't worry, you didn't miss much. :) See you over at Wordpress!

When I was 17, I discovered my first grey hair. Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated. I must've spent a good hour or so in the bathroom analyzing that one grey hair. Impulsively, I pulled it out, examined it closely and foolishly concluded that my youth was fading fast. I was crying on the inside because I knew that there was really nothing much I could do about it. Over the next little while, I dyed my hair numerous times to cover my grey hair.

Now, looking back, I laugh about that day. I laugh about how distraught I was over such an insignificant, superficial finding. I'm sure that I've gained many more grey hairs since that day, but I don't really care anymore--I've stopped trying to keep tally. I now forego the hair dyes and let those grey roots show on my black-dyed hairs. Those roots are natural, a part of me. I've learned to accept them, which has come along with me learning to accept and appreciate all that I am.

I was thinking about how my experience with my hair roots tie in with that of my Chinese roots. Growing up, I wanted to cover my "yellow" skin with "white", brown eyes with blue. I didn't want steamed rice; I wanted McDonald's. I hated going to Chinese school, begging every Thursday night that my parents would let me quit after this last class. I wanted to have an English middle name, not a Chinese one, and I wanted to change everything about me that could make me look, talk, and be more like characters I saw on TV or read about in books. All my stories from school assignments consisted of blonde, brunette, or red-headed characters, never anything remotely Oriental. My hair roots were easily covered with cheap hair dye from the nearby drug store, but there was no quick fix for masking my ethnicity. Nonetheless, I was trying so hard to be someone completely different.

And now, again, I look back and laugh about my childish efforts. I know I just did all those things to fit-in and assimilate to Canadian or Western culture. I am actually very proud of my Chinese roots now, and I enjoy letting them show through my appearance, speech, and lifestyle. I love my heritage and the long history of my people, which tell of dynasties and emperors. To be honest, I know very little of Chinese history, but my recent trip to China sparked an interest in learning more about my background.

I don't think my trip to China could've come at a better time. In some sort of unexplainable way, it solidified my Chinese identity for me. I don't even know if that makes any sense, but in my heart, something made a lot of sense while I was there. There will definitely be more trips to China in my future.

It's time for something new. Another volume of my life is about to open, and I felt it necessary to create another web-space for me to publish the upcoming chapters of this new volume.

I look forward to navigating through these next few years as I aim to strike that perfect balance of work and play, medical life and family life, professional success and familial success. It's going to be a difficult balancing act from here on out. I pray my priorities will never waver nor should one ever swap with another. May they always remain: God, family & friends, medicine.

I recently stumbled upon a very interesting blog, which belongs to an internal medicine resident. I probably spent a couple of hours reading through his posts, and some of them caused me to ask myself, "Do I know what I'm getting myself into?" I fear those days when I'll be standing in the empty hallways of some hospital at 3am, wondering why I chose the profession I did. I fear a rude or thankless patient will catch me on a bad day and I will say something that I'll regret later. I fear having kids and not being able to mother them the way they deserve to be mothered. I fear that the emotional distance I will have mastered with my patients will be carried into my home and personal life, affecting my relationships with my family and friends.

There are a lot of things I fear, but I think the things I look forward to far outweigh my fears. I can't wait to feel the gratification that comes with helping someone who couldn't help themself. I look forward to paying it forward. I await the moment when I can act in true agape love, doing something for another while honestly not expecting anything in return.

Many adventures to come! I'm so eager for Orientation Week and classes to start!